Too Many Lacking Things
I'm a sexually frustrated geek who loves theatre and all the other arts. I'm sure you'll notice this.
Here are some pages.
Here are some pages.
Anonymous asked: biggest or worse fear?
My most prominent fear is that I am not good enough for anything I have.
This branches off to every single factor of my life: not worthy of my friends, not capable of getting what I want, unable of being the person I want to be. All of these things.
The second, and more irrational fear, is that of heights. More specifically, my choosing to leave existence via said heights.
I wouldn’t call it a phobia, but I’ve only ever had one really powerful anxiety attack, and that was on a ferris wheel a year or two ago.
Every time I’m somewhere high up, and I’m not restricted by anything (ie: plane flights are better) I end up making a stupid decision that leads to me looking over the side. This idiotic event then brings my brain to go through every event that would lead up to, follow, and in general involve my climbing over the edge and jumping off.
Flashes of my friends and family upon seeing/hearing of my suicide go through me. Imagining the feeling of falling through the air towards my death. Thinking about how easy it could be. All of these thoughts pass through my head as my body slowly inches closer to the edge and my eyes drop to the ground below.
At this point I panic. I seize up, and even though I’ve stopped myself from moving closer I’m completely unable to move away. It’s like part of me wants to go through with it. Not out of depression, just out of curiosity. I end up nearly collapsing and I need to leave as soon as I possibly can.
It’s one of the only things about my mind that genuinely scares me.
ALRIGHTY. It’s been a while since I’ve done this, so there’s a bit to talk about. Not a specific story to tell, but just a life update.
AND GO.
I’ve found a new job at a candy store called Sugar Mountain, it’s really cool and they play old music all day. What’s cool about it is that it’s really close to Shane’s so I can hang out with him more (hasn’t happened yet but whatever.)
I got an HD camera for xmas as well as another great camera from Dan, so I’ll be able to make better videos from here on out.
In related news I also got Sony Vegas platinum for an early birthday gift from my mother and stepfather. Which transfers to my next point.
For another early birthday gift I got a really really nice cellphone, which is awesome because I wasn’t expecting to get a good phone but then I got an amazing one.
Speaking of amazing, I managed to snag myself a little bit of casual sexytimes with someone from my hometown, and managed to finally give some cunnilingus, which I’ve been aching to do for over a year. Was awesome.
Segues are weird. I’ve met some cool new people, albeit we haven’t hung out much. We’ll be friends. I know this stuff. You know who you are (provided you’re the one with a tumblr).
My clothes are falling apart, but I’m going to abuse Shane’s abilities to fix that for me.
I need a haircut. Starting to get too long at the sides again. Shane’ll fix that too.
I’ve read through the third book in the A Song of Ice and Fire series, and am approaching the halfway point of the fourth.
Tonight there was a Game of Thrones series marathon at Shane’s. Fun times were had.
I came up with a name for the relationship between Dan and I, it’s an OCUM (Open Celibate Unofficial Marriage).
I’ve been saving up on a certain white powder-like substance for Julian’s birthday gift. It’s not cocaine.
Dan’s in his long-johns and is about to read this.
Good night.
I went to Rapier Wit (the place I take stagefighting lessons from) on Thursday.
For every certification class they have there they give an award to someone called “The Rapier Wit Award” for being outstanding and showing qualities the staff want to emulate. Seeing as everyone in my class was amazing we all got the award, and were told to come back again today for a “weapons showing” and our prizes.
I headed over today, and there were some of the most amazing fake weapons I had ever seen. Completely made out of foam, but still incredibly well balanced and realistic. If I had enough money I’d buy a whole bunch and have fights with my friends. They had bracers, swords, axes, naginatas, corsets, masks, robes, leather armour, throwing knives, muskets, and they even had a chainsword form Warhammer 40,000. I was blown away.
While I was there my teacher Dan told me to wait right there so that he could get me my award. He left to head to the armoury and came back with this huge fucking knife.
It’s amazing. It’s shiny, well balanced, it came with a leather sheath, and it’s totally dull. It’s perfect for stagefighting. I love it.
So that’s what I did today. How about you?
They say a picture’s worth a thousand words.
I did the math, here are 12,408,000 words.
(Source: titusfog)
I was super excited to go see Pogo tonight at 9:00. I got dressed up in my leather blazer and my expensive Tripp pants. I wasn’t sure if I could get tickets, as there was some conflict in my scheduling so by the time I could actually get them they were sold out. I left early in hope of getting…
You need more cookies.
Thank you. You’re my friend now. Okay? Okay.
I was super excited to go see Pogo tonight at 9:00. I got dressed up in my leather blazer and my expensive Tripp pants. I wasn’t sure if I could get tickets, as there was some conflict in my scheduling so by the time I could actually get them they were sold out. I left early in hope of getting in. Googlemaps told me I had to walk for a bit to Lansdowne and take a streetcar from there and College (I fucking hate Lansdowne for no reason. It just sucks). On my way to (Fucking) Lansdowne I end up at a road in which I need to move left or right in order to continue. I decide to move left, which is north, and closer to my destination. Turns out it led me to a fence. I decided to power through and climb the fence. After doing so I see why the fence is in place: I found myself on some train tracks. In order to not get crushed by an oncoming locomotive I cross the tracks as quickly as possible. Unfortunately there are no Train Track Gardening services in my city, so I ended up maneuvering through a small thicket and tripping over potentially very dangerous metal tracks. Once I navigated through the tall grass, and fighting off a few Ratatas and Zigzagoons, I came to a disappointing sight: another damn fence. This one was leading into a mall parking lot, and had barbed wire. Barbed. Fucking. Wire. Again: Did I give up and decide to take the safe route? No. I ended up walking along the train tracks looking for a way over this damn fence. Eventually I came to a section of fence that had been vandalized to the point of passable. I thanked the universe for delinquents and began my ascent. When I reach the top I feel a sickening sensation. A piece of the fence had ripped my pants. These pants are hard to come by and incredibly expensive, and they now had a triangle cut out of them and flapping around like some god damn pirate flag. Once I finish swearing at myself I lift my other leg to the top. I see where I should plan to land and swear again. The delinquents had put a picnic bench to decrease the distance between the fence and the ground. Unfortunately the bench was slightly broken, and I feared if I was to jump into it the bench would break and I would injure myself. With no other option, I jumped from the fence, over the bench, and onto the sliver of grass before the concrete of the parking lot. I did not roll, and all the force was absorbed by my legs. I have strong legs, but my joints are not. They definitely had something to say when I landed. So there I was, walking through a parking lot at night with ripped rave pants and a leather blazer. I figured it was time for some gum. So I grabbed a piece and started chewing, not caring about where I threw the wrapper. After walking from there to the streetcar stop I sat down, happy to be past the difficult part of my journey, and waiting for the streetcar. And waiting. And waiting. The streetcar did not come. I saw other buses and streetcars going by in the same intersection. This went on for twenty minutes until I decided to text the streetcar stop number to get an estimate at the next arrival time. When I did this I saw a rather depressing sign. “This stop is not in use, please wait at Tim Horton’s.” It turns out the streetcars I had been watching to my right for the past 20 minutes were the ones I was supposed to take the whole time. Again I swore at myself. I ran over to catch the streetcar that had just arrived and rode it to my destination: The Mod Club. I got there at around 7:00, and no one else had arrived, so I figured had tons of time to be first in line. I waited where I thought the entrance was for about 45 minutes in the cold Canada air, with no change in the amount of people coming to the show. I decided I could walk over to the Tim Horton’s across the street and get myself something to warm me up. As I approached the building an impoverished woman asked me if I had some change so that she could get a cup of coffee. I didn’t, but I didn’t want to say no then go buy something and walk out right past her, so I said “I’m about to go buy something myself, but I’ll give you the change.” She thanked me as I entered the building. There wasn’t a long line, just one man and a large group finishing up their order in front of me. As I waited the woman came in the door, apparently having found the money she needed, and cut in front of both me and the man in front of me. She got her coffee and left the Tim’s, but with more words than necessary. After finally getting some hot chocolate, as I don’t drink coffee, I started to make my way back to the outside of the club. The hot chocolate was to hot, however, and it burned my mouth and throat, and I felt it burning my insides as it worked its way down my digestive system. At about 8:50 I was getting pissed off. No one was there. Not one inkling that anything was happening there. I walked up to another entrance to the club, where two people were standing and smoking. I looked at the glass door and saw two identical pieces of paper. “Tonight’s show is cancelled, sorry for the inconvenience.” I couldn’t believe it. I thought it was for some other show, a different entrance for a different show. The female of the smokers turned to me and said “Did you hear the bad news?” I asked what about. She then explained to me that not only was Pogo not performing, he didn’t even get into the country. Canadian border people didn’t let him in. Pogo was blocked out of Harper’s Canada, a country built off of the immigrants, prevented from entering Toronto, one of the most culturally diverse and welcoming cities in the world. I threw my hot chocolate cup to the floor and started home. I ended up on a ridiculous route, and got to an intersection that was a stop for the streetcar that would take me home. After ten minutes of waiting I see a streetcar approach. As it stops at the red light I see that all the lights are off, the driver is alone, and the display screen said “system maintenance”. It left without me. After another 5 minutes of waiting another streetcar comes. This time I board it and get almost to my stop, a maintenance car was broken down on the road in front of us 2 stops away from my house. I was not pleased. They managed to get out of the way quickly enough and the streetcar took me to my stop. After I got off, hopped onto the overpass, and crossed the road I headed over to the hill that’d take me down to my street (That’s how I get down, there are stairs but they’re slower). After hopping the street railing to get down the hill I decided I didn’t feel like running down as I normally do. I slowly worked my way down the hill, when I slipped. I smashed my elbow on the ground and slid down the rest of the way. The swearing was back. I picked myself up slowly, and with great effort. After that I walked to my house, went upstairs, and ate a fucking cookie.
The moral of the story: Give up when things are shit.
underskinnedknees asked: hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! what's up ?!
Hi, a lot. I was going to make a post about it but I might as well put it here.
I woke up 5:30 this morning so that I could get to my first day of training for this new tour guide job I have. I was half asleep for the whole thing, and I didn’t get home till 4 pm today. I have my second day of training tomorrow, but when I got home I saw that I have an audition for a comedy show that would have been perfect for me. I talked to my boss to see if I could rearrange my training, and as she’s done work in theatre I figured she’d understand. Unfortunately she won’t budge, and I’m going to miss this great opportunity. I feel like absolute shit about it, and there’s nothing I can do.
Really really interesting.
It all started Thursday night, when I had 4 hours of sleep. DanTeagle came up on Friday, which was awesome because I hadn’t seen him in two weeks. We spent a great deal of time with Mark, had really fun times, and came back to mine for more funtimes. DanTeagle went to sleep, so Mark and I sat on my porch talking about lots of things. After he left I went inside and talked to my friend Josy until 6AM, which was also fun. However, I had to get up at 9AM that morning, so a large dilemma emerged: To sleep for 3 hours and get some rest, risking sleeping through my schedule, or to just stay awake and face the day? I ended up deciding to sleep.
While the talking into the morning was fun, waking up three hours later was not. I am usually alright with not sleeping much, but when I am woken before my time I become possessed by an entity known as SleepySash. SleepySash is irritable, apathetic, lethargic, and all around unpleasant. I was essentially dragged into clothes and fucked over to the bus station to pick up our friend Dael. We went and got a little bit of food, then went to see They Might Be Giants live in concert for free. Even SleepySash couldn’t stay upset, they were splendid. Dan and I then took at trip to The Silver Snail, an absolutely amazing comic book and geekstuff store. There Dan got an Empire Strikes Back luchbox, and I got a Greedo bobblehead. Overall a fantastic trip.
After that we went for wraps and took Dael back to the bus station. Once he left Dan and I went immediately to Mark’s for a “Was-a-goodbye-party-but-isn’t-anymore-but-might-actually-be-a-goodbye-party” party. Lots and lots of fun was had, I even had a little bit of alcohol. It was a grand total of one sip, and it was very-nonalcoholic tasting. Either way it happened. Fun was had, and I ended up doing several things I’d never done before. I won’t get into the things themselves, but I’ll just say that they involved a person I met that day. Very new, very interesting, and very fun.
I ended up sleeping there that night, only to be awoken again. This time by Mark. SleepySash was back, and after only 5 hours of sleep (making a total of 12 hours of sleeptime for the last three days) Dan and I went back to mine to get showered and dressed, and I remained SleepySash until somehow, I moved into a state of delirium. Everything became funny and Dan recorded me for PissfaceMcGee, which took forever because we were laughing so hard. I then took Dan to the bus station, and headed over to where I was supposed to start training for becoming a tour guide. This training was something I had missed several times due to miscommunication, so I was really looking forward to finally getting this done. However, when I arrived the person there told me my trainer got off work at 2, which is when I thought I was supposed to arrive. I ended up leaving without receiving my training, feeling like a massive idiot.
I came home and ate a muffin, the end.
I took off my headphones and heard a bizzare BRRRUURUURURURRRURUURURRRR type noise. Turns out the kitchen is getting some work done.
I’m hungry…
A man walks into a bar. He’s quiet and unassuming and remains there for the majority of the night. Around 4 in the morning he goes to the restroom and returns with a Thomson Sub-Machine Gun. With maniacal laughter he riddles everyone in the bar with hundreds of bullets. Shortly after the man runs out of ammunition a great silence falls over the bar. The man, being the only one left alive, starts browsing the remains of the scene. Satisfied with his work he exits the bar and walks down the street, leaving the gun in the dumpster. The man reaches the street corner and looks around.
And then there’s this baby.
last night I went on the roof with my buddies, the roof is next to my apartment and it’s on top of a busy club
we then heard this people talking and went to the side to look down on the alley, there was some chick peeing and a dude in a beige fedora waiting for her
she put her pants back on and we decided it’d be funny to throw some stuff at them, to freak them out, because they hadn’t noticed us
so we succeeded in freaking them out and continued to throw shit
we then targeted the man in the fedora, we learned his name was Paul
so we just threw little crap, nothing that could hurt anyone (okay, we threw a butter knife at one point, but other than that no big deal and we made sure not to hit in with the butter knife)
we actually at one point we dropped a wet rag on his hat
it was hilarious
he was obviously drunk and shouting “THIS IS NOT YOUR JURISTICTION, ASSHOLE!”
so, after we threw a camera into the crowd around him, we were about to throw a glass down the empty alley, just to get a laugh (making sure it wouldn’t hurt anyone)
but just as we were about to throw it, these 2 guys came out of a door of the abandoned upstairs of the club, a door we didn’t even know could open
one had a black shirt with the word ‘security’ written in red across it
we were very nonchalant
I took the lead, as the one closest to the dudes who had just appeared, and answered them
‘Hey dudes, sup’
‘What are you doing up here?’
‘Just fuckin’ around.’
‘Well get the fuck off the roof!’
‘Alright.’ I said, with a shrug
‘How did you even get up here.’
‘We live over there’ I said, pointing to the general direction we’d come from, luckily the window to my apartment was well hidden and apt of an apartment complex, so there was no way for them to know exactly where we came from
‘Well go back there then.’
We all looked at each-other, eyebrows raised, ‘um, okay.’ As if we were planning on doing anything else now that there guys had shown up. I almost wanted to say ‘Why, did you wanna hang out a bit?’
We clambered back to the window, leaving the things we were going to throw next (a shirt, a box, a giant bag of condoms, you know, the regular roof-throwing stuff)
We then ate cookie-dough ice cream and watched animorphs ‘til we passed out
I went on the roof this morning, to collect my things, and all our stuff was gone… and so was the barbeque that (I’m pretty sure) belongs to my neighbours!
We decided to poke at the door that the guys came out of and we found it was easy to push the lock and break in
Inside was a really cool room, it looked like a big loft, one side is a brick was and generally it was pretty cool
We found all our stuff.. and the barbeque
I took back the stuff (I wish I could have seen their faces when they found the giant bag of condoms)
I kind of wanted to take back the barbeque, but I didn’t, maybe I will sometime
We found a key that opens the door from the outside, so now we can get inside whenever we want
There are also no doors to downstairs, which was really confusing until we found that if you pushed the boarded up doorway at the bottom of the stairs you can break in
So
I think I know my new hangout space!
Also
I stole a surge protector I found in there
because why not
fuckin’ Paul
I’ve missed most of the weekend of tumblr. I don’t really care though. I’ve been having a good time with DanTeagle, Mark, and Shane in Toronto. A good time which I will continue tomorrow. I’m not going to go scrolling through everything I’ve missed because it makes me wish I didn’t have a tumblr.
SO
Instead of scrolling I’ll type about my day.
Shane and Mark slept at mine with DanTeagle. Then we all went over to Shane’s place to swim. Now I normally wear goggles, due to the fact that I enjoy seeing. However I did not have goggles on this day. So when I went to perform my usual length of the pool in one breath I was sightless. Needless to say the pool, being an indoor pool in a condominium, was rather shallow. However I didn’t factor in the decrease of depth in the pool on the way to the shallow end, my destination. My nose then proceeded to be suddenly and rudely assaulted by the floor of the pool. I still finished my length without a breath, but my nose was rather uncomfortable. It currently feels like it had gotten sunburned, and I thought it had been when the friction pain from being dragged by my own momentum along a salt/chlorine soaked floor kicked in. After that ordeal we all went to the house of another friend, Sadie, to watch the series premiere of Doctor Who. We watched, we flipped out, it was a good time. After that we stayed at Sadie’s and talked for a while, I dozed off (like I do sometimes). When I woke I left with Mark and DanTeagle, who are both sleeping at Mark’s place tonight. I was waiting for the streetcar to take me home, with a transfer in my hand (recently obtained from the bus I used to get there) when two rather attractive drunk girls came waiting for the streetcar with me. One asked my name. I figured no harm could come of this, so I began to answer when I realized I wasn’t using my (somewhat) newfound nickname. I figured I should get in the habit so I replied.
“Fog”
Both the girls complimented it, saying it was mysterious and cool and the like, which made me feel cooler (something that seldom happens to me from strangers). They lit up cigarettes when the raven-haired one noted that I might not smoke and that they should leave the glass box. The blonde said I was probably fine with it, which I was (although I don’t smoke). I told them I didn’t care, and made a joke about how fog and smoke are similar. I was complimented on my cardigan, they said it was really nice. Then the blonde said something that took me a second to register.
“I’d do you in that shirt.”
I never get told this, or anything of the sort, from people I don’t know/say that stuff to all the time. I was really taken aback, but I thanked her for the compliment and told her I was flattered. We ended talking about how both people and dogs were good for warmth, and how braces don’t affect oral sex at all if you’re doing it right. As the streetcar approached I did some dance moves, which I do instead of walking. It’s more fun. They recognized my dance moves from LMFAO’s Part Rock Anthem video, and I showed them what shuffling looked like when done better (I don’t normally brag about things unsarcastically, but I am way better than the dancers in the video). They complimented me some more and I got on the streetcar with them. They sat down and I showed the driver my transfer. She then claimed it to be invalid.
Invalid? I thought. I got this 10 minutes ago!
Under the assumption that the transfer would’ve worked I had no change do substitute it. I was forced to leave the streetcar, much to the girl’s dismay. I wished them a kind farewell and left, never to see them again. I called Mark and DanTeagle and I managed to get a token off of Mark (bless you, child). I then came home listening to good music and here I am.
I’m going to wear this shirt more often.
1. I was on the subway to go to my therapist and then one of the cutest Asian girls I have ever seen sits down beside me, but facing my general direction (L shape seat setup). I really wanted to tell her how she’s really attractive, but felt really awkward doing so, but the more I snuck glances at her the more attracted to her I became. I got closer and closer to saying something when I saw her look at some older Asian people across from us. I immediately thought “Oh shit, those are her parents. What would happen if I said something to her and they reacted?” My worry and attraction grew to the point where I wanted to write a note on my phone saying “You’re really cute.” and show it to her. I thought about it for a few minutes, but my stop came and I had to get off the bus. God damn she was cute though…
2. I was on a coach bus back to Toronto (went to St. Catharines and back today), sitting at the back like I always do. This old man sitting to my northeast was talking, but very softly so I couldn’t hear what he was saying. He kept taking his shoes off and standing up to go through the stuff in his pockets. Next thing I know he’s staring at me. This happened about four times, rambling, rummaging, and staring. I’m just sitting, trying not to pay attention to him and listening to music. He would go to the bathroom about every 12 minutes, and complain about the seat. Finally he lay down with his shoes off, and I assumed he was going to sleep. With that in mind I decided to snooze a little myself. A few minutes later I wake up and he’s right in front of me staring me right in the face. He talks to me but is still mumbling, but I can make out the general idea that he’s offering me to lie down in some other seat. I keep telling him I’m comfortable where I am and he seemed to get the idea. Then out of nowhere he starts mumbling at me about his whole life story. However he was mumbling so much I barely understood what he was saying. While he was rambling at me he started thrashing the chair in front of me. I was getting rather nervous so I payed as much attention as I could. I remember him saying some of the following things:
If he eats he can’t sleep
He’s dying
He likes coffee
He does something in the bathroom
He smokes a lot
He went to rehab
He likes “jub-jubs” (said with a soft J sound and a “uh” sounding U) which I can only assume is what he went to rehab for.
He offered me some
He went to the casino in Niagara Falls
Of course, because he was more ahead of me on the bus, when we arrived he started looking under my seat and the others around it for something. So I’m stuck behind this crazy possibly drug addicted old man looking for stuff under the seats of a Coach Canada bus at midnight. Needless to say I got in a cab as fast as I could once I got off. As the taxi drove away I saw that man for the last time, and he looked right at me as if he wanted to get in my cab. I just thought to myself “No way, sir. Don’t want you around anymore.”
